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Wednesday, March 11th, 2015

Subject:Long long time....
Time:3:07 pm.
It has been a very long time since I have posted here even though Ive run back to read several times. Wondering who still uses LJ.
Leave a bloody kiss?!

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

Subject:Need help....
Time:7:05 pm.
I KNOW I posted a recipe for homemade chicken pot pie soup.
Alot of friends are sick and needing it.
How do I search it?
Search isnt showing up anything on 'birthday' much less soup!
Leave a bloody kiss?!

Saturday, December 11th, 2010

Time:9:58 pm.


Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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Thursday, September 23rd, 2010

Time:4:51 pm.
Its just a run by on way to celebrate Jordans 16th birthday but hey! I made it.

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Sunday, September 19th, 2010

Time:9:27 pm.
I keep trying to get here reg. and no matter what something stops me.
I needed to be journaling all the happenings.
Life is good.
Leave a bloody kiss?!

Thursday, July 1st, 2010

Time:4:26 am.
This crazy work schedule is keeping me away more than I want still.

27 days until birthday.

40 was an INCREDIBLE year!

Nothing like what I looked forward to but then ...
A few hidden surprises and it's all worth while.

Blessings be...

***Whyyyyy am I awake at 430 am????? Oh yeah, I work night shift normally and that 'acardian' clock wont let me sleep....LOL ***T h u d***
Leave a bloody kiss?!

Friday, June 25th, 2010

Time:6:48 pm.
So in order to keep up with things...

job is flying barely above the crash line of the horizon.

kids are a minor wonder or worry giving what time of day.

life goes on....think I'll stick with that tune a day or three.

Anyone got good things to smile about?
4 Kisses *** Leave a bloody kiss?!

Monday, June 14th, 2010

Time:7:06 am.
and life goes on.....do wah de do wah duh life goes on la la la ti dah!
2 Kisses *** Leave a bloody kiss?!

Sunday, June 13th, 2010

Time:4:30 am.
Ive been meaning to come back.

My oldest turns 22 tomorrow.
He bought his first house.

My middle one told me I will be a grandmother in October.

My youngest turns 16 and starts driving.

Im missing life waiting to have one to share it with.
My job is wonderful but the people are spiteful and hateful and mean.
How do they go thru life like that?

Turning 41 stuck in an 18 year olds feeling.
Where did time go?
What do I have to claim as my own?

I gave everything and have nothing now.
Not just to one but to three over the years.
I committed to those who could not.

Life is so fragil.
I want to relish every moment.
Be passionate about things.
BREATHE it in and feel it.

Instead Im on hold watching like an old black an white reel.
Slow but steay it goes and sometimes shakes or goes to fast...
and I dont want to get to the end and look back and say how did it end up like that?
Where were the cherished moments? The one I could count on?
The family times and laughter?

I want a life.
My life back.

A patched olde heirloom passed generation to generation...
A memory and a smile... a tear and a laugh.
I want to be remembered and thrive.
Hold on to others and touch them so they dont forget.

Isnt that what life is about?
To look up into the one you loves eyes and smile before that last breath?
To have a lifetime of memories etched, recipes taught, stories told...
children left to carry on.


That is what is on my mind.
Those that have it and throw it away.
Those who desparately want it and watch it shred and blow away.
Where are the olde ones,
The couples of 30 years,
The silver anniversaries and 6 generations?

It didnt stop ticking.
Hasnt paused for me to pick up the pieces.
It keeps going like those long monorails ...

and you arent sure if it'll stop for you to get on...
or if you just have to jump and pray you can hang on.

Life for me.
That's how I know it.

White picket fences and childrens laughter a song so sweet.
Old people walking hand in hand...and beach vacations waited months for.
Pumpkin pies baking and family piling in for holidays.
Lil fingers curling newborn and roses falling with dirt to the caskets.
the sound deafens...
but theres no sound,
no roar.


Get back on somehow.
Knowing the reason.
Needing the pace.
The calm of the rollercoaster of life.
and it's deafening silence...

Christmas lights glisten in the distance...oceanliners off shore...
moments holding seashells to listen inside them...
curls down into sheets a vow to do better tomorrow.
Find a way back to ~home~.
Leave a bloody kiss?!

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

Time:2:56 pm.
Suddenly everything makes sense.

I knew something wasnt right.
Something has been off for months.
I was right in the middle and didnt listen...didnt see it.
If Im right pray for me and pray for him even more so.

Thank heaven for simple lil comments and great friends!
1 Kiss *** Leave a bloody kiss?!

Time:12:53 pm.
Im in love not just love.

I will never find anyone like him.
I felt so safe.

He asked all the time why... why do I love him,
why is he amazing, why do I think he is so wonderful.

No single person has ever shared as many of my thoughts and ideas,
interest and concerns.
No one could talk on such an intelligent level and then act so silly
and kicked back.

I dont know where I went wrong.
I cant fix that house.
I had no control given to do it.
I cant turn a home into a home without shared power.
I needed to show him all of my abilities and talents and instead
I gave him the power and let him idle it all away.
He didnt know how to take charge and handle children or even a falling down house.
He didnt know my strengths nor power to handle finances and a home.
He never saw my corsets or me even dressed to the nines to go out.

He told me how wonderful I was.
Not to worry over us, the tivo was more concern...
yet I knew I should.
I saw his eyes wandering.
His focus leaving.
How do you show someone how much more there is?

gawds Im a wreck.
I cant wrap my mind around anything.
He was always cost analysing everything.
He didnt see my boys loving him.
Didnt see the hundred they dropped for his birthday.
He didnt hear how they tried not to upset him.
Dollars and cents... how do you put a price on the constant care I gave?
The adoration and focus? The constant telling him he could do anything...
Believing in him, loving him , trying to become the other half he needed.

Money wont ever buy him happiness.
It wont buy him what is truly the most important in life...
A true friend and other half.
A life of experiences and love.
A family. A home.
It takes work.Hard work to make these things and a commitment.
He never gave the commitment.
I cant do it alone.
It takes two.

3 Kisses *** Leave a bloody kiss?!

Monday, January 25th, 2010

Time:3:55 pm.
soul leaks.

cant have that luxury.

cant break down.

simply shuts down and into survival mode.

do what it takes to find new home.
to take care of my boys.

time to mourn loss of relationship is later.
time to love regardless is later.

Ive never loved so fully.
Never lost so painfully.

fights not to cry not to scream in agony.
1 Kiss *** Leave a bloody kiss?!

Time:9:57 am.
sound of silence.

alone again.

Troy and I ....well he broke up.
Leaves a hug for him silent and slips away.
Leave a bloody kiss?!

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Time:7:19 pm.
Troy swore he wouldnt...said 'nothing to worry about...worry more about the Tivo'.
weve talked alot.
he made promises.
Im simply scared.

Not because he knowingly would but because he doesnt notice supposedly.
so wrong to be so scared....funny thing is...it made me realise how much Im in love with him.
How Id fight for him ... not just against people hurting him but to keep him.
He means the world to me.

The world needs to back the fuck off.
Im not jealous.
Im protective of what is mine.
He says he is mine and I am his.
I dont like players
or bull shitters.
I dont like mean people either.

Sad Im stuck in the middle...but damned if I'll just walk away like I dont even care.
Leave a bloody kiss?!

Saturday, January 16th, 2010

Time:8:54 am.
Coffee,kitchen stuff,recipes,japanese anything,picnic baskets,range things,
scrapbooking,knives,leather,cookbooks,silver/white gold,lillies.

Mont Blanc,Burrberry,Jessica,Safari,Swiss,Kleve,

*Name 12 things you love that is (money can buy) generic and 12 name brands you love*
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Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

Subject:Smile break!
Time:9:58 am.

just wanted to share the smile....
Leave a bloody kiss?!

Subject:Happy New Year~*
Time:9:39 am.
So...for New year's day I met two of my goals.

I made it down to 160 lbs. (From 174 Dec. 1st)!

I made it back into college and start Tuesday!

Troy and I had a fabulous and relaxing time in the Bahamas...

Have plans for Seattle and possibly Paris ... among other travels.

Calendar is realy filling up with what we consider normal...~yeah~

More JEEP adventures...

Paying bills off and getting house in order, very slow but sure.

Now working on us while those things continue on.

Goals on plate:

Weight & Health
(Both doing well on)
Education & Medical
(Both studying and school)
Return to religion
(Church Sunday mornings not feasible so working on a solution.)

Soooooooo very nice to have him back home and off for abit!
An entire month of nothing but Wednesdays off and his birthday royally sucked...
Reconnecting now and loving it.
Filling the calendar and snuggling in bed~*
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Thursday, December 10th, 2009

Time:9:03 am.
Let me fall,
Let me climb,
There’s a moment when fear and dreams must collide.

- Let Me Fall, Cirque du Soleil
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Sunday, December 6th, 2009

Subject:Cruise to Bahamas
Time:11:52 am.

Missing the ocean waves an soft lull in sway already. The incrdeible blues an no phones, watches, or need to be anywhere. Disappointed in no calypso music... It was soooo laid back yet still took three days to fully unwind.
The food was incredible the first night w duck and an asian salad to die for but then omg gag an gak... Almost and even inedible. They need someone who loves food because after the duck only the tiramisu was enjoyable inthe main dining. We did find a good sandwich at the back deli and plenty of fresh fruit but omg it should have been better w the ingredients they had!!!!!!!
Overall the trip was wonderbar an I will never get enough. Weather perrrrrrrrfect!! The native tourguide incredible And very informative. I do wish Troy had felt better but he got a ton of rest an sleep trying to get rid of dizzy from waves... And that was very needed byhim as much as I simply needed the ocean. Thank heaven for the timing of the gift! Barbara couldn't have timed it better.
More later... On troys cell.
Happy holidays.

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Leave a bloody kiss?!

Monday, November 23rd, 2009

Time:8:42 pm.

iPhone test

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LiveJournal for mtarbarnes.

View:User Info.
View:Website (Yin & Yang of Jennifer Elaine).
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.