mtarbarnes (mtarbarnes) wrote,

Im in love not just love.

I will never find anyone like him.
I felt so safe.

He asked all the time why... why do I love him,
why is he amazing, why do I think he is so wonderful.

No single person has ever shared as many of my thoughts and ideas,
interest and concerns.
No one could talk on such an intelligent level and then act so silly
and kicked back.

I dont know where I went wrong.
I cant fix that house.
I had no control given to do it.
I cant turn a home into a home without shared power.
I needed to show him all of my abilities and talents and instead
I gave him the power and let him idle it all away.
He didnt know how to take charge and handle children or even a falling down house.
He didnt know my strengths nor power to handle finances and a home.
He never saw my corsets or me even dressed to the nines to go out.

He told me how wonderful I was.
Not to worry over us, the tivo was more concern...
yet I knew I should.
I saw his eyes wandering.
His focus leaving.
How do you show someone how much more there is?

gawds Im a wreck.
I cant wrap my mind around anything.
He was always cost analysing everything.
He didnt see my boys loving him.
Didnt see the hundred they dropped for his birthday.
He didnt hear how they tried not to upset him.
Dollars and cents... how do you put a price on the constant care I gave?
The adoration and focus? The constant telling him he could do anything...
Believing in him, loving him , trying to become the other half he needed.

Money wont ever buy him happiness.
It wont buy him what is truly the most important in life...
A true friend and other half.
A life of experiences and love.
A family. A home.
It takes work.Hard work to make these things and a commitment.
He never gave the commitment.
I cant do it alone.
It takes two.

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*hugs* very well said punkin!

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

*hugs again*
im sorry that this is happening to you. i have also felt the sting of rejection from someone i feel so hopeful and connected with. i love this flow of consciousness. it feels like part of me being explained by you. i know how much it hurts and that you must feel heart sick. if you have that kind of love, you will be okay. this too shall pass <3
6 months later and I still lay within it.

im split in to two pieces.

I run between his house and my sons and have nothing of my own anymore.

I think Ive lost my mind.
Took a job I hate.
The people are simply mean and spiteful.
Ive never had a job I hated.
never had to work myself up to even go another hour.

Im glad you understood.
I regret Ive not moved any farther.
Perhaps just sliding backwards.
Thank you for everything.
Im trying to make it back to here and focus.

Life has been moving on for everyone else.
Im turning 41 and feel like Im stuck at 18.

I watch people in the emergency room and listen to them being checked out for Georgia regional and Serenity mental hospital and I think...
Toughen up....that's nothing... get it together.
And I look at myself and wonder if Im the insane one.

I dont drink or smoke ... Im hooked on the feeling of being understood and crave to be accepted and claimed by that one.
Insane? Basic instinct?
Life is frail...I see it every day.
So why....when you find what you say is everything...
WHY dont they reach out and grab it and claim it?

Shrugs sitting down unable to focus on it without it making me unable to focus on anything.

I was hoping it would pass.
It only intensified.

true love doesnt just die does it?