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Thursday, December 10th, 2009
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Let me fall,
Let me climb,
There’s a moment when fear and dreams must collide.
- Let Me Fall, Cirque du Soleil
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Sunday, December 6th, 2009
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Missing the ocean waves an soft lull in sway already. The incrdeible blues an no phones, watches, or need to be anywhere. Disappointed in no calypso music... It was soooo laid back yet still took three days to fully unwind.
The food was incredible the first night w duck and an asian salad to die for but then omg gag an gak... Almost and even inedible. They need someone who loves food because after the duck only the tiramisu was enjoyable inthe main dining. We did find a good sandwich at the back deli and plenty of fresh fruit but omg it should have been better w the ingredients they had!!!!!!!
Overall the trip was wonderbar an I will never get enough. Weather perrrrrrrrfect!! The native tourguide incredible And very informative. I do wish Troy had felt better but he got a ton of rest an sleep trying to get rid of dizzy from waves... And that was very needed byhim as much as I simply needed the ocean. Thank heaven for the timing of the gift! Barbara couldn't have timed it better.
More later... On troys cell.
Happy holidays. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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Monday, November 23rd, 2009
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Sunday, November 15th, 2009
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long days longer nights
just wanting to curl up in arms
and sigh slipping softly to sleep
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Monday, November 9th, 2009
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wow,
life is either great or horrid.
great it is.
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Thursday, October 29th, 2009
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*First saved hotmail letter*
> From: rj7k@hotmail.com
> To: mtarbarnes69@hotmail.com
> Subject: I love you
> Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000 14:22:25 -0400
>
> Hi
> Just leaving AC to go get papers downtown. I love you.
> Dad
***Livejournal goes back to March 10th,2004....because it says I deleted everything before that due to stupid people***
groan*
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This goes back to May 16th 2004.....
email goes back 10/10/2000
IM a geek.
Other things go back to (ICQ) 1998
I just realized my whole life is here...accomplishments magic moments and tiny lil things Id not remember 20 years from now.
wow.
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Monday, October 26th, 2009
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no time free to even post...
a mindset change
tears during cleaning off the back deck
happy and sad
flood of relief then frustration
return to concentrated thought
deluge of need
contentment of peace
and all the while time slips by
and Im still standing in a similar place.
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Sunday, October 18th, 2009
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The next incredible thing.
Its hot.
Shareable usable incredible...and user friendly beyond belief!!
I want an invite and I cant wait to use it.
Google.Wave
It will upgrade everything like music Cd's and DVD's did....
The YouTube hour and half presentation...
I actually sat through the ENTIRE thing from 1 am until 230 am
and have no one to tell it to until morning....
save Troy and a few overseas.
I want to share it spread it and ~play~.
It's invite only.
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Friday, October 16th, 2009
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~who knows~
boo.
covers head and goes for coffee sneezing quietly*
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Monday, October 12th, 2009
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just another night or two.....
celebrating still our anniversary
musing over things....
loving him.
curls up quietly in arms...
soft sigh as I find a haven.
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Friday, October 9th, 2009
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sighs soft...long yummy nummy 5 am nights with troy...
exhausted 6 am mornings and late 1030 am starts though.
I wouldnt trade my time with him.
so..... finding that sugared drinks are becoming a definite no for me.
So are meals that are more than a sandwich in size.
*goes to play*
Troys alternator replaced by boys.
Light outside figured out and bulb replaced.
Grass mowed.
Trees hauled off.
Inside cleaned and clothing washing.
Tired tired boys and even more tired mom.
Raisin bread was numnum.
Beef stew simmering unti, tender for tonight.
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Thursday, October 8th, 2009
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nopers...blue book on honda is 1850 and he wants 2500.
jeep died...bradley jumped jumped and then towed.
Yep...... The GMC Chevy towed a ~J E E P~...
more specifically Troy's Jeep.
eep...so Tyler is here and got Bradley a job at a farm.
One hour away....with any luck.
Garret is here and mowed the lawn, vacuumed the living room,
and is feeding Iona and the two pups.
Michael messed with the security light (old mercury vapor)
that Garrett put the new light in and it still doesnt work.
Michael tripped the breaker and reset it ....and tapped and tested.
Not coming on more than a flicker...the sensor is broken.
Michael and Jordan and I are taking out the battery and alternator
on the Jeep and running up before 9pm when the shop closes.
The chocolate cookies got awfully brown on bottom (my fault) and
Troy mad magical mudslides....everyones sipping...while I make homemade
raisin cinnamon bread for morning and drink my first coffee of the day.
I already cleaned every room yesterday so Im only doing laundry ,dishes,
picking up,grocery shopping, Jordans haircut, and making bread.
I need a day off too. LOL
Anyways....I hear the pups getting fresh water and kids are wandering around eating pizza and sipping on icecream mudslides.... while I check to see if it's safe to vanish upstairs yet.
I havent even had time to journal really and Zero time to teach my class today.
Mmmm~ more coffee time.
Just one more.
~yawn soft~ since I didnt fall asleep until 5 am and the dogs woke me ALL barking...
so I got up at 6 am to wake Bradley and find him sick...
then up at 730 when he got back from dropping people...
then up at 10 and finally for the day at noon.
I tried to rest honestly.
and right now? when I could drop?
Still too much going on...
groans cause by the time the mild roar settles
and everyone is catching their breath and calming
Ill be on a second wind that carries me mindless
right on through until morning again...
soft sigh..
ice cold sheets and a simple summer breeze
whir of a fan
ocean waves pounding relentless
mind numbed
salt tasted
I oh so need the Ocean again...
magic healing soft caressing
long deep pounding of soul
by salted water and surf...
wet sand massaging soles
eyes dry and wind kissed
cheeks warm
red flesh
cold
sheets
long slumber
~breathes~.
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~life is pounding~
oh so troys off and kids running late to lil troys ball game in sc....
bradley is sick bad and his boss not only didnt give him day off but has him STILL at work,.... the game starts in next state in 3 minutes....and he is driving to surprise his dad with his new truck!
and then....He offered to take me to PFChangs...ok were broke iM tired and so totally not dressed. Id rather do the quiet hole in the wall chinese place that doesnt use msg and is close...and we drive right past a 93 red honda civic asking 2500.
were heading back up to listen to it....he said Monday? ~f l o o r e d~
meanwhile his he is bb shooting in back yard, heart is racing around 280 bpm, and he is baking chocolate chip cookies.... yes he is baking em.
something seems so.... off kilter and right and wrong and weird and great ...and ohhhhhhh headache. not a single cup of coffee today...downing water so thristy now...and just ate first meal at 430pm. Didnt each mch but it was sooooooooo fricking delicious. General Tso or Tao chicken with fresh brocolli steamed crisp and some fantabulous rice with peas,carrots,and onions and a pair of light n crispy spring rolls. I had to foce the single spring roll to finish it and only made the tiniest dent in the now reusable pans they send the stuff to go in :)
Mmmmmm cookies are cooling...I should go dress again. Like right now.
Prayers for freinds mom that is passing, my son who is trying to be a man and is very sick, the youngest who is trying to become a punk and wont be allowed to, and a mirad of other things...
Homemade cinnamon raisin bread is proofing now.....fresh cinnamon bread for breakfast in the morning ....LOL omg he used my REAL BUTTER for those dump and mix cookies! rofl and runs to grab a new lb of real butter and go~*
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Monday, October 5th, 2009
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so we now have a 95 Sierra Green Z 71 truck care of middle child.
gawds.....~unnerved~.....holds breath for next 9 months.
Proud and terrified.
Up to Bradley & Troy now.
I must find job now.
Going insane pacing.
Makes coffee and food to calm.
We can do anything through Christ our Lord who strengthens us.
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Troy asked...twice.
So I told him.
He said to hold on until Wed.
He knew what would help.
So I took some medicine and went to bed.
Spoke with a friend or two online.
and fell asleep.HARD.
Finally a deep enough sleep to not awaken
until the phone rang,doorbell for borden inspection,
and lil one bringing me coffee.
I could have slept curled next to him when he got home..
another 4 hours.
smiles soft and slips to scrubbing kitchen....twice.grrrr
clothes,laundry,dishes,appliances,breakfast...and job apps online.
Usual morning routine now...trying to break free and make bread.
Something grounding about it.
I'll go do it now even though its noon.
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Sunday, October 4th, 2009
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so coffee is made....and the kids just wiped the entire pot.
Glad I got mine first!
Im needing to feed all the fish and ponds....
Ive already loaded dishes.
Wish I could shake this horrid feeling of dread.
Something simply isnt right.
Im not near as sad as last night...
but the thing is it's FALL~*
I should be elated...skipping about...
I love love LOVE this time of year.
I normally am all giddy ,music playing,abundance of food making...
I have settled into enjoying being home...
cooking and starting to really clean...
but Gawdsssss its so fucking lonely.
Im torn between learning and real conversation with depth...
ie college....and making money so I dont loose Troy....
and can actually by myself things...and the kids.
And being free to be here,make homemade breads,clean the way it should be....
oh wait....and be involved with my kids.THAT will go out the window...
not that they want me around anymore anyways. I mean honestly...only the 15 yr old
speaks to me...the 17 yr old is in a constant torment of soul ....and the 21 yr old has
had enough and is out doing his own things biding time to finish school,accumulate money,
buy a house, find a wife.....etc.
I had such an active life of friends and family and food and love...
where the fuck did it ALL go.
I never see nor hear from my dad or brother.
Im down to one real friend that isnt online.
Troy is wrapped up in work and IS finally spending time with his friends.
The boys...Ive already discussed.
My friend is working or roommate or new boyfriend...so maybe 1 time a month now...on the fly.
Even half my online friends are gone off doing things.
One getting married...another has a new girl....
For an ENFJ and social person this forced hibernation is killing me.Killing my
mindset, killing my health, killing my joy for life.
This is the third time in my life...and I HATE it.
Im turning into tears and a starved babbling mess bordering serious defunct depression.
~le sigh~
I wanna be 18 again.
For the first time in life.
yeah insane horror-mones and all.
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I feel so sad and alone.
I dont mean to feel jealous...dont mind what you do for others.
It is simply me not having a cherished nickname...
not having the bubbly conversations I hear you have with others.
Im starved for adult conversation....being enjoyed.
How do I tell you this without you misunderstanding?
I cant even begin. It risk too much.
Ive forgotten what its like to feel wanted,feel important...be the
one you look to and laugh with. It is three years soon....and I cant tell you how
passionately I love you.Am in love with you. Hunger for a look...for the desire to
be desired.Treasured.
I wont even send this in email...I'll just tuck it away silently here.
You have the link but dont bother reading my thoughts.
SO I'll vent and tell my fears and laughter...
and sit alone among so many.
sighs letting it go for a moment
pain overwhelming to want to exist
and feels so
~unimportant~.
Agape Mein.
dein.
~I love you,anyway.~
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Monday, September 28th, 2009
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warm smile and dip of blues*
Saturday .... it started out way to early...
miscommunications and we were 20 minutes behind straight out of the gate
I wasnt aware we were meeting a third party.
We also were on E and needed to stop and fuel...
in addition to picking up one riding with us...
who was running even later.
So the two vehicles ran tandem to Atlanta.
We had a lovely time..
well Troy and I did.
Troy was running about seeking the replacement Ruger,
covering a ton of questions by police and ems....
and then finally with Jordan about hunting and then me.
I got a Glock bag, Shooting shirt, Glock pen, and a new
holster for my Glock.
Troy managed to get his Ruger at a decent price and filled
his Glock backpack bag with stuff.
We ate at Dave & Busters ...the power went out.
The credit card being run was slammed when power shut off.
Then we had a game card stolen(well friends with us actually).
The lovely short drive of 2 hours turned into a trecherous and very long
4 and a half hours in deluge of rainstorm....riding between the red
on the radar and in the heavy yellow.
We didnt make it home until midnight.
Up late Sunday and recouping.... meeting with another couple for
mexican dinner and arrangements for birthday and old movie night.
Kids not happy about internet not operating due to downpours.
and bedtime as rather whats on tv and passing out before it started.
Troy and I are doing well.
Ticking off daily lil things about the house.
Mercury light security light.
Cleaning fish tanks.
Rescuing alligator turtle and box turtle.
Clearing off dresser for him, major dusting for me.
Cleaned the oven and wiped down insides of appliances.
So much to do.... and the most important I didnt make it to.
le~sigh
add I was approved for the SEB unemployment but read the letter.
Groans* Insanely impossible literature.
Pretty much forget your training or education and take anything that
pays 186 a week OR minimum wage immediately or else.
lovely.
So much for college. I finally get the FAFSA and everything worked out
to start college and RN program and now I cant.... something about food and medical being needed more. Not to mention childs back is seriously needing followup at Shriners.
Bradley Troy and I went to bank today on a good note...
He is set for Thursday when the interest rates drop for a loan for a truck.
3,000 to cover the truck. He is giving up on the mechanics work he loves and taking a back breaking feed & seed job thats steady to get this truck and loan. Wouldnt bother me but that asswipe of a doc that didnt follow thru on his shattered hip (since he wasnt covered by insurance unless female)....causes his back to hurt so badly every day....without working hoisting hay and 50-100lb feed bags....and now he is willing but I forsee thngs and not happy.
Michael is toughing it out with his electrical position and heading back to finish his RN classes. (Theyve YET to get him in Biology classes and thats ALL he needs to begin clinicals and finish up last year.) He also got duped by that lovely stereo VAN SCAM. I felt so bad...he didnt have the 200.00 to lose either. Cant plug the stereo in because its a fire hazard....the scam is that bad a product. Thinks... loving making bread every other day.*breathes trying to find some peace*
Were all alive. Kids moving along slowly forward.
Jordan finally got some new boots that arent turned in and causing him to walk funny.
(His back causes him to wear them down every few months to the point his ankles almost touch the ground on the inside.)
Bradley has been using a bank account and saving for his truck.
Michael is trudging slowly forward despite all the setbacks.
Doubt he will make his move and get the first time buyers house by Nov though.
Jordan will be out of homeschool and in reg by January with any luck.
Thinks...so much stuff on mind...especially repairing so much on this old house...and nothing anyone else needs to read or think about...just having to vent,sort,figure out.
Im not upset or depressed...not on the surface anyways... though not sleeping well and now starting to have weird bad dreams not helping with focus.So Im sure its affecting and manifesting that way....but honestly not upset or freaked out.
I am leading discussions twice a week...and found some wonderful online classes that are free.
Im starved for education and just not being a mom or cleaning.
Love the discussions on the MBTI and weird Im showing more to ENFP than ENFJ the last two days.
I wonder what happened.
*Repair house things over next 6 weeks*
*Lose 40 lbs over next 6 months* I simply dont feel good.
*Do little things for me for a change...nails,hair cut professional, education*
*Find a vehicle for me that is NOT a mommy soccer van this time*
*Start going out occasionally so Im not in jeans and t shirt 24/7*
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Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
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